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TOO MANY HUSBANDS 



% facte in €tao %tt^ 

(adapted from the FRENCH) 



BY 

ANTHONY E. WILLS 

AUTHOR OF "JUST PLAIN FOLKS," " EAST SIDERS," "STUBBORN MOTOR 

CAR," " COLLEGE CHUMS," " A COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT," " NEW 

" ENGLAND FOLKS," " OAK FARM," " BENJAMIN, BENNY 

AND ben" and "MATINEE IDOL " 



Copyright, 1911, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



Note. — The professional acting rights of this play are 
expressly reserved by the publishers, to whom theatrical 
managers who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur 
representation may be made without such application and 
without charge. , cT 

TOO MANY HUSBANDS. 

CHARACTERS. 

Colonel Thaddeus Crane, of His Majesty's Service, Eccentric 

character 

Dorothy Crane, his daughter Ingenue 

CiiAUNCEY Chilton, his Secretary Character 

Arthur Maitland, a poor Author, his nephew Lead 

Harry Brown, a Bookkeeper Juvenile 

Milly Brown, Harry's wife Straigh t 

Reverend Ormsby, a Preacher Comedy 

Mrs. Sheffield, Harry's mother-in-law Comedy 

MoLLiE, a Servant Comedy 

Jones, an Expressman Bit 

O'Flynn, a Patrolman Bit 

Rudolph Bauer, Character 

Note. — Jones can double O'Flynn. 

Time. — The present. Locality. — The Bronx. 

Time of Playing. — Two hours. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Act I. — Home of the Browns, on the outskirts of the 
Bronx, New York City. Nine o'clock in the morning. 

Act it, — Ssme as before. One hour later, 



(^. Ci.D 23937 



Too Many Husbands. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Colonel Thaddeus Crane aged 55, is a short, heavy-set, 
red- faced, bald-headed man, with gray side whiskers; wear- 
ing a checkered suit, red vest, fancy tie, white spats and 
soft hat. Act I. Later in act changes coat to a frock. 
Act II, same as Act I. 

Chauncey Chilton, his secretary, is a thin, dark com- 
plexioned, smooth-ghaven, nervous man about thirty, wear- 
ing a black coat, trousers, tie, and having an almost clerical 
look. Same Act II. 

Arthur Maitland, is a good-looking juvenile about 25 
wearing a sack or walking suit Act I, however, for first 
entrance, wears lounging robe over same and has towel tied 
about his head. No material change for Act IT. 

Harry Brown, a smooth-shaven juvenile, a bookkeeper, 
about Arthur's age. Plainly dressed Act I. Act II, wears 
an apron tied about his waist and jacket off; sleeves rolled 
up. 

Rudolph Bauer, a German, wearing blonde wig and 
whiskers; broad suit and silk hat, much too large for his 
head. Also a police badge pinned to vest which he displays 
end of Act II. 

Reverend Ormsby, a preacher, wearing frock-coat, large 
white bow tie, silk hat and white cotton gloves. 

Jones, the expressman, wears a blue shirt, black trousers 
and expressman's cap. Pencil behind ear and large book 
under arm. 

O'Flynn, is a typical New York patrolman. Red hair and 
ruddy face. 

Dorothy Crane, is a good-looking ingenue about twenty- 
one. ' Act 1, wears a traveling coat over a pretty dress. 
Act. II, another pretty gown. 

MiLLY Brown, aged about twenty-five, wears a neat house 
dress and small apron Act I. Act II, discards apron. 

Mrs. Sheffield, Harry's mother-in-law, is a good-sized, 
sharp-mannered woman. Wears her hair combed straight 
back; a small black bonnet, with ribbons, tied under her 
chin ; eye-glasses, short cape, and carries a small hand-bag 
and umbrella. After first exit, discards bonnet and cape. 

Mollie, the servant, is a pretty girl. Neatly dressed and 
also wearing an apron. 



4: Too Many Husbands. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Newspaper, Towel, Plate for IlAKin-. Sugar-bowl, Letter3, 
Telegram for Mollik. Valise with Shirts, Collars, etc. Let- 
ter, Handcuffs for Eatkr. TTmbrella, Letters for Mrs. Shef- 
field. Revolver, Sword, Valises for Colonel Crane. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing audience, R. 
means right hand; l. left hand; c. center of stage; c. D. 
center door in rear flat; r. 1 and R. 3 right first and third 
entrances; l. 1 an L. 3, left first and third entrances. 



TOO MANY HUSBANDS. 



ACT I. 

SCENE. — A plain, yet neatly furnished room with doors 
R. 1, and B. 3, c. and L. 1, and L. 3. Table with three 
chairs r. c. Table is laid for three; couch L. c. ; fancy 
pillows on couch. Screen upper L. corner; sideboard 
upper R., with dishes, silver-ware etc. Sign over door 
" No Place Like Home." Pictures on wall; carpet 
down. Time, 9 A. M. Henry Brown and Milly 
Brown, DISCOVERED seated at table, eating break- 
fast. Harry at the same time is also perusing morning 
paper. (Milly taps bell.) 

ENTER MoLLiE D. c. 

MoLLiE. Did you ring, ma'am? 

Milly. Yes, Mollie. You neglected the sugar. 

MoLLiE. Oh, yes, ma'am. [EXIT l. 3. 

Milly (to Harry). It seems strange for you to be at 
home to-day, doesn't it, Harry? 

Harry. Well, a fellow doesn't have a christening on every 
day. 

Milly (pouring coffee). Mother wrote she'd come rain or 
shine; and you know it's her first visit since we were 
married. 

Harry. And I hope it's her last. 

Milly (indignant). Harry! 

Harry. Can you blame me, when you remember how she 
used to go for me before we were married? 

Milly (passing him cup). That's unkind, for you know 
mother always liked you. 

Harry. Had a queer way of showing it. (Turning page 
of paper) Used to nearly eat my head off. 

Milly (reprovingly). I don't know what's got into you 
lately. You're awfully irritable. 

5 



6 Too Many Husbands. 

Harry. Well, you're not the calmest person on the globe 
either. 

MiLLY. At least I'm not always quarreling. Please don't 
let Mollie hear you make such dreadful remarks. 

Harry. Who cares for Mollie? 

MiLLY (sharply). I do. 

Harry {imitating her). I don't. 

ENTER Molly d. l. 3, with sugar-howl, which she places on 

table. 

MiLLY (changing tone). Thank you, dear. What can be 
keeping Mr. Maitland this morning? 

Mollie. Came home pretty late last night, ma'am. 

MiLLY. Did you call him, dear? 

Mollie. Yes ma'am, I knocked at least a dozen times. 

Harry (suddenly looking intently at paper). Hello! 

MiLLY (interested). What is it now? 

Harry. Remember that fellow Sweeney, the detectives 
were all after a few years ago? 

Milly. I do believe I remember something of the sort. 

Harry. Well, the authorities have an idea they've spotted 
their man. Scotland Yard detectives believe he left Europe 
on an ocean liner a week ago and have cabled the New 
York police to be on a sharp lookout for him. 

Milly. Now I remember! Wasn't he the swindler 
who ? 

Harry (quichhj). The identical. I thought they'd never 
get him. I'd like nothing better than to land that twenty 
thousand dollars reward. 

Milly. Twenty thousand dollars? Gracious! 

Harry (cutting photo, reproduction from paper). I'm 
going to keep this picture and from now on compare it with 
every face I meet. 

Milly. You'll have a nice job on your hands. You'd do 
* better if you found out what can be keeping Mr. Maitland. 
May be he is ill. 

Harry. Oh, I know what his trouble is. (Rising) But 
perhaps I'd better hurry him down anyway. [EXIT D. R. 3. 

Mollie. Didn't you hear him come home last night, 
ma'am? It was near three o'clock. 

Milly. As late as that, Mollie? 

Mollie. Oh dear, yes, and he took most an hour getting 
tip the hall stairway. I thought every minute, he'd tumble 
to the bottom. (Bell rings off) The postman, ma'am. 

[EXIT D. c. going r. 



Too Many Husbands. 7 

MiLLY. And poor Mr. Maitland needs money so badly. 
I suppose he's become despondent and doesn't care now, 
"what happens. 



ENTER MoLLiE D. c. with letter. 

MoLLiE. For you, ma'am. Brought by a messenger boy. 
MiLLY (taking it). By a messenger boy? For me? 
(Quickly breaks seal and reads.) 

ENTER Harry d. r. 3. 

Harry. I've got Arthur up at last. He'll be right down. 
(Then espying letter) Hello, a letter? 

MiLLY. Yes, Harry, and we're in luck. 

Harry. I don't understand. 

MiLLY. Don't you remember me telling you about the 
telephone call bright and early this morning? 

Harry. Yes — some German wanted to rent a room. You 
don't mean to say anything's come of it? 

MiLLY. Here's a note enclosing a money order for two 
weeks in advance. 

Harry (taking note and glancing at it). You don't tell 
me. (Looking vp) This fellow must have money to burn. 

MiLLY. It will help reduce our expenses, won't it, dear? 

Harry. Well you can just bet it will. Who is he any- 
way? (Looking at note. Beads) " Rudolph Bauer." He's 
a German all right. 

MiLLY. I'm so pleased. (To Mollie) Better tidy the 
big front room, Mollie, so everything will be in readiness 
when the gentleman arrives. 

Mollie. Yes, ma'am. [EXIT d. r. 1. 

Harry. Too bad he's coming on the very day fixed for 
the christening. Couldn't you have asked him to wait for a 
few days? 

Milly. I tried to, but he said he had to find a place 
to-day. 

Harry. I suppose your mother will go on the war-path 
when she learns we take in boarders. 

Milly (indignant). I'll have you understand my mother 
doesn't go on war-paths ! 

Harry. I'd like to know what you call them then! 

Milly. My mother never 



8 Too Many Husbands. 

ENTER Arthur d. r. 3, a towel tied about his head. 

MiLLY (espying him and changing tone). Why, Mr. 
Maitland is that you? 

Arthur (sadly). All that's left of me. 

MiLLY. You look ill. 

Arthur (groans). I don't look half as bad as I feel. 
(Sinks into chair R. of table. Groans) Oh> my poor head. 

Harry (patting him on shoulder). I don't want to rub it 
in, old pal, but you're only paying the piper for the tune 
he played. 

Arthur (hand to head). Then he's overcharged me. 
(Groans) I never in all my life had such a 

MiLLY (offering him platter). Won't you have some nice 
Virginia ham? 

Arthur (business). I'll have the doctor if this terrible 
pounding in my head doesn't cease. 

MiLLY. You've been overdoing the past few weeks, Mr. 
Maitland. 

Arthur. I know I have, but I felt so relieved at the 
completion of my book that I just had to cut loose and let 
go. 

Harry. Well you let go all right. Heard anything since 
submitting your new novel? 

Arthur. Not a word — and that's also got me going. 
(Becoming serious) Unless I soon receive a check, I'll have 
to get a job and go to work — real work! 

Harry (shaking head). Terrible, terrible. 

MiLLY. What about your rich uncle abroad who used to 
send you money so regularly? 

Arthur. Last heard from him a month ago. Was then 
very ill and I'm afraid, seriously. 

Harry. If anything happened ! Supposing he should 

Arthur (quickly). His will you mean? I don't think 
I've much chance there. He has a daughter, you know. 
Uncle's a most peculiar old codger, my mother's brother and 
when, after my folks died, I was placed in his care, he en- 
deavored to make me walk a chalk line. I remonstrated. I 
had literary aspirations; he thought me crazy and wanted 
me to become a butcher 

MiLLY. A butcher? Horrid! 

Arthur. It was tug nnd tug from morning until night. 
Then he objected to my becoming engaged to his daughter; 
said I wasn't a fit candidate for her hand. Finally, I sick- 
ened of the whole thing, broke away and came back to 



Too Many Husbands. ^ 

America. He's had no great love for me since; but I will 
say, has treated me a great deal better than I perhaps de- 
served. 

Harry. Then you really think the butcher business 

Arthur. Was where I belonged. As a literary man I 
appear to be a ranlj failure. 

MiLLY. Nonsense, don't lose your nerve. From what you 
state of your new book, it ought to prove a great success. 

Harry (patting him on hack). Then remember, the pub- 
lishers are flooded with manuscripts. It requires time to 
weed them out. It may be six or eight months before you 
know the verdict. 

Arthur (despairingly). And in the meantime? 

Harry (patting him on shoulder). Well Arthur, old chap, 
you'll continue to live with us. We haven't forgotten how 
you helped us out last winter when I was out of a job. 
You were always willing to share your last dollar with us ■ 

MiLLY (warmly). And we haven't forgotten it. (Then 
changing subject) But what of the girl — your uncle's 
daughter ? 

Arthur. Heard a while ago she'd marry some English 
chap. 

MiLLY. Wasn't very loyal to you, was she? 

Arthur. Oh, it wasn't Dorothy's doings; I'll wager on it. 
But it's a long story — and will make good matter for a 
romance, later on. (Bell rings heloiv) 

MiLLY (calling aloud). The doorbell! Mollie! Mollie! 

ENTER Mollie, d. r. 1. 

Mollie. Yes, ma'am. 

MiLLY. See who's below, dear. 

[EXIT TVIoLLiE D. c. going r. 

Harry. Who can it be I wonder? 

MiLLY. It couldn't be mama. It would take her longer 
to come up on the subway. 

Arthur (surprised). Your mother coming? 

Harry. For the christening you know. 

Arthur. By jove — the christening. And I've been count- 
ing on the sale of that book to buy the kid a decent 
present. 

Harry (patting him on shoulder). Brace up, old pal — 
and forget it. We owe you a great deal more already than 
we can ever hope to repay. 

Arthur. Oh, don't think for a moment I entirely forgot 



10 Too Many Husbands. 

the little tot. No siree, I dropped into Clarkson's yesterday 
and ordered — well, what do you think? 
Harry. > (.^^,^ imagine. 

MiLLY. > 

Arthur. A baby-carriage. It ought to arrive this morn- 
ing. 

ENTEE MoLLiE D. c. 

MoLLiE. Please, ma'am, a gentleman below who says he's 
the new boarder. 

MiLLY (up). The new boarder? Show him up, Mollie. 

[EXIT Mollie d. c, going r. 

Arthur (rising). A new boarder? Why I 

Harry (forcing him hack on chair). Finish your break- 
fast, old man. 

ENTER Mollie d. c. followed hy Rudolph Bauer, carrying 
a large valise. 

Mollie. Right this way sir, right this way. [EXIT d. c. 

Bauer (with sweeping how). Madam, mit bleasure. You 
are der lady of der house? 

Milly. I am the landlady. 

Bauer (hawing). Dee-lighted. Und I am Rudolph Bauer, 
der gentlemans vat rented der room. 

Milly. You will find everything in readiness. (Present- 
ing Harry) This is Mr. Brown and this (Introducing 
Arthur) Mr. Maitland, our other boarder. 

Bauer. Ach, yes. Gentlemans — also dee-lighted. (Bows. 
To Milly) Den you got only one oder boarder besides my- 
self? 

Milly. That is all at present. 

Bauer. Und I thought dere vas oders. You expect some- 
body else to-day, vat? 

Milly. No. Oh, yes — my mother. 

Bauer. Oh, you expect your mother. (With smile) How 
nice. 

Harry. What is your business, Mr. Bauer? 

Bauer. Ach it is — vmd it isn't a bizness. I am an er- 
finder. Such — vat you call hiin — an inventor. 

Harry. Inventor eh ? Of what, pray ? 

Bauer. Of wonderful dings. You see before I am here 
a great while. I astound der whole continent — und more 
besides. I will revolunize der entire world. I will-* 



Too Many Husbands. 11 

ENTER MoLLiE D. c. 

MiLLY (interrupting). Mollie, please show Mr, Bauer to 
his room. 

Mollie (crossing to d. r. 1.). This way, sir. 

Bauer (crossing to D. R. 1). Mit bleasure. (At door) 
You are sure you expect no one else — no men folks? 

MiLLY. Positive. 

Bauer. Veil, dot seems to decide it. (With a low how) 
Gentlemens! [EXIT with Mollie d. r. 1. 

Arthur. Queer fellow that. 

Milly. Yes, but he's got lots of money. Just think — 
paid me in advance. 

Arthur (looMng down). That's one on me. I haven't 
paid you in four weeks. 

Harry (patting him on shoulder). There you go again. 
Milly didn't mean it that way. 

Milly. Of course I didn't. 

Harry. But Arthur is right. He is a peculiar individual. 
And so anxious about other men. (Starts and quickly takes 
torn sheet of newspaper from pocket) Can it be possible 
he is the notorious Sweeney? 

Arthur. Not with a face like that. 

Harry (holding up paper). Does he look anything like 
this ? 

Milly (pouting). Since you're so suspicious — I'm really 
sorry I ever 

Harry (comforting her). There, there girlie; but just 
imagine that reward! It's enough to make one's hair stand 
on end. 

ENTER Mollie timidly d. r. 1. 

Mollie (reluctayitly to Arthur, who is drinking coffee). 

Please Mr. Maitland 

Arthur. Well, Mollie 



Mollie. You won't be angry with me, I hope. 

Arthur. Angry with you? What about? 

Mollie. I didn't mean to forget it, sir — ^but I put it in 
the pocket of my other apron and never gave it a thought 
until 

Arthur (puzzled). Never gave what a thought? 

Mollie (gingerly holding out letter). This letter. It 
came over two weeks ago. 

Arthur (quickly). A letter! Two weeks ago! From the 
publishers ! (Dances around singing lively air) I'll bet mj 



12 Too Many Husbands. 

book's been accepted. {Reprovingly to Mollie) Oh, MoUIe 
— Mollie — why did you keep this joyful news from me? 

Mollie (piqued). I couldn't help it, sir — I just forgot. 

Harry (interested). I do hope it's good luck. 

MiLLY. If only your book has been accepted! 

Arthur (hurriedly opens letter, reads and starts). Great 
Scott! (Sinks into chair.) 

Harry. What is it? 

AtnnvR (moans despairingly). I'm lost! lost! lost! (Mol- 
lie L. C, thumhs her apron and pouts, ready to cry.) 

Harry. Man, you're as pale as a sheet. What has hap- 
pened ? 

Arthur (hands him letter). Eead! Read! (Harry 
glances quickly at letter.) 

Arthur. It's the worst news I could have received. A 
letter from my uncle. 

Harry (to Milly, who anxiously looks over his shoulder). 
And he's coming to America. 

Arthur. If not already here. And bringing his daughter 
(Warmly) Dorothy with him. 

Harry (handing Milly letter. To Arthur). But I don't 
see anything in that to 

Arthur. Oh, don't you, though? My boy, it's a long 
story — a long, long story. 

Milly (having glanced at letter. To Mollie). Go below 
Mollie. It's all your fault. You're too forgetful for any- 
thing. 

Mollie (crying). I didn't mean it, ma'am — I really didn't 
mean it. [EXIT d. c. going r. 

Harry. But even yet, Arthur, I don't see the point. 

Milly (to Harry). Don't you see? The letter being de- 
layed the old gentleman probably arrived this morning with- 
out anyone to welcome him at the pier. 

Arthur (sadly). If that were all, — but it isn't. I'll have 
to make a clean breast of the thing before you'll thoroughly 
understand my whole miserable business. 

Harry. Clean breast of it? Why you talk as if you'd 
committed some crime. 

Arthur. I've acted shabbily, but the winter was a hard 
one and I 

Harry (anxiously). For heaven's sake, Arthur, speak 
out! Don't keep us in this dreadful suspense. We are 
your friends and will stick by you through thick and thin. 
Now out with it — what have you done? 

Arthur (hrohenly). I've married. 



Too Many Husbands. 23 

Harry. 



MiLLY '" Married? When? 



} 

Arthur (sadly). It's over a year ago. 

Harry (warmly). Over a year ago! You sly dog! And 
never a word to us about it — your closest friends! (Offer- 
ing hand) Congratulations! 

Arthur (sadly). Eatlier pity me. 

MiLLY. Pity you? How strange you act. 

Arthur. You see I'm married — and still — unmarried. 

Harry. The plot thickens ! 

MiLLY. Divorced? (Arthur sadly shakes head nega- 
tively.) 

Harry (sympathetically) . Your wife died. I know, you're 
a widower. 

Arthur. Wrong again. 

Harry. \ ^ • -. 

Arthur. The fact is, my uncle only thinks I'm married. 

Harry. Ah ha, I begin to smell a mouse. 

Arthur (sadly). He began cutting my allowance a year 
ago and becoming desperate, I hit upon the idea 

Harry. Of writing him you were married. (Laughs 
heartily) Clever scheme. 

Arthur. The colonel was tickled and immediately 
doubled my allowance, displaying unprecedented haste in 
sending it to me. 

Harry. Clever boy. But you should have no cause for 
alarm. Your wife's gone to the seaside, mountains, any- 
thing and you are rooming with us. 

Arthur (shaking head). Which would be all right had I 
not written him I'd bought this house. 

Harry. Bought this house? 

Arthur. Yes, last winter — remember when you needed 
that loan? Well I got uncle to cable me the amount. 

Harry (musing). That does complicate the thing. 

MiLLY (looking at letter). He only intends remaining for 
a few days prior to leaving for the baths at Hot Springs. 

Harry. I have it. You shall own this house and we will 
be your guests — your boarders. 

Arthur (reluctantly) . There's just one other little detail 
which also gives me concern. 

Harry. Go on — what else? 

Arthur. Well, uncle insisted that I send him a photo- 
graph of my wife 



14 l^oo Many Husbands. 

Harry {laughing heartily). I see, I see — and you sent 
him a photograph 

MiLLY (joining laugh). Of some chorus girl • 

Harry (now loudly laughing). Some yellow-haired high 
kicker. 

Arthur (seriously). No — I sent him a photograph of 
your wife! 

Harry (immediately stopping laughter). Of my wife! 
Of Milly? 

MiLLY (indignant). Of me? 

Arthur. Don't be angry. I was cornered and had to 
act quickly. Seeing your wife's photograph on the mantle, 
I was seized with a — well never mind the graphic details — 
I sent uncle 

Milly (reprovingly). My picture! How could you — how 
could you? 

Harry (comforting her). There, there Milly, don't be 
hard on Arthur. He's been our best friend in the past; our 
friend in need, so to speak. 

Arthur. It was wrong of me I know, but I never thought 
— I never realized what a plight 

Harry (to Arthur). It's too late now to undo it. We've 
got to make the best of it. The question is, what can we 
do to help you. 

Arthur. You've agreed to lend me your house; would it 
be possible for you to also 

Harry (starting). What! Lend you my wife? Great 
Scott, man ! 

Milly (indignant). How dare you! 

Arthur. At present, kind friends, I would dare most 
anything. (To Harry) Just to present her, you know, old 
chap, in case he insists upon seeing her. 

Harry (to Milly). I can see no greot harm in it, Milly. 
(To Arthur) Why of course I will. 

Arthur («p, offering hand). You've saved my life! 

Milly (handkerchief to eyes). This is awful! awful! 
What will mother say? 

Arthur (sinking hack in chair). Yes — mother! 

Harry. I never thought of my mother-in-law. (Aside 
to Arthur) And she's a terror, Arthur. 

Milly (stamping foot). I won't be a party to it. 

Harry. Oh, yes you will. 

Milly (emphatically). Oh, no, I won't. 

Harry. You must! We can't desert Arthur now that he 
needs help, (Hands on her shoulders) There's a good 



Too Many Husbands. 15 

little wifey. {Then suddenly) And the new boarder ! What 
of him? 

MiLLY. The inventor, you mean? 

Harry. He's got to get out of that room. 

Arthur. Uncle must have the best room in the house. 
It would never do to 

Harry. I have it. We'll put the German in the garret. 
{At D. c. Calling) Mollie! Mollie! 

MiLLY {pouting). But Harry, he has paid in advance. 

Harry. That's just why he goes upstairs. 

ENTER Mollie d. c. 

Harry {to Mollie). Mollie, I want you to change the 
new boarder to the garret room. 

Mollie. But sir, there's only a small cot up there and 
the roof leaks terrible. 

Harry {emphatically). Do as I tell you. 

Mollie. Yes, sir. (Crosses to d. r. 1.) 

Harry. Tell him he was shown that room by mistake. 
It belongs to one of the other boarders. Tell him anything. 

Mollie. Yes, sir. [EXIT d. r. 1. 

Harry {consulting watch). We haven't a minute to lose. 
If your uncle arrives, with my mother-in-law on the job, 
and they should by chance meet! (Waving hands above his 
head) Great Caesar, can you imagine the scrap! 

MiLLY. I shall faint I know, when they meet! 

Harry. That might even help some too. 

Bauer (heard off d. r. 1). Vot's dot? I hired dis room 
tmd here I stay. (Pause) No sir, no sir, I won't do it. 
(Pause) Where is der landlady — I speak mit her. (EN- 
TERS angrily D. R. 1) See here, vot is dis humbugs I 
hear shust now? 

Harry. I'll explain it to you. 

Bauer (angrily). I make my arrangements mit dis lady. 
Who are you anyway? 

Harry. I sir, am this lady'.s 

Arthur (pulling Harry's coat). Man of all work. 

MiLLY (starting). What? 

Arthur (in Harry's ear). He mustn't know jon are 

Harry (winking at Arthur). That's right. (To Bauer) 
Man of all work. 

Bauer. Oh so iss it, eh? Well, I paid for dot room und 
I want it. 

Harry. You paid for the room upstairs. This rooin was 
assigned to another boarder weeks ago. 



16 Too Many Husbands. 

Bauer. Another boarder? 

Harry. Yes — a gentleman from abroad. 

Bauer (starts). Ah, ha! from abroad! At last! At last! 
(To Milly) Und you madam, you said dere vas no oder 
boarders. I don't understand dis monkey-doodle-biznes3. 
(Bell rings helow.) 

ENTER MoLLiE D. c. and EXIT d. r. 3. 

Harry. We've no time to argue. You'll have to hurry, 
sir. 

Bauer. I want first, an explanation, for why dig lady 
told me 

Harry (seizing him hy arm). Come on — I'll do the ex- 
plaining. (Starts to force him toward d. c.) 

Bauer (his valise opens permitting shirts, collars and cuffs 
to fall to floor). Hold on, hold on, I am losing my baggage. 
(Bell rings loudly hclow.) 

Harry (excitedly). Hurry, hurry! (Arthur and Millie 
on either side of Bauer assist him in recovering his laun- 
dry. Each time valise is filled, he permits cover to drop 
open, so that laundry is again thrown out. Great confusion 
prevails for a moment and finally Bauer, with valise, shirts, 
collars and cuffs jumhled in his arms, is dragged to D. c.) 

Harry. Come on, come on, I'll show you to your room! 

Bauer (protesting). Und I show you someding, when I 
get my hands loose. [EXIT d. c. going L. 

Milly (goes to d. c, looTcs after them). I do hope Harry 
doesn't get hurt. 

Arthur. It's my fault. I alone am to blame for the 
present state of things. 

Milly (glancing l.). Gracious! It must be your uncle. 

Arthur (glancing at lounging rohe). He mustn't see me 
like this. (Quickly to D. u. 3) I'll make myself presentable. 

[EXIT D. R. 3. 

Milly (ncrvou.'dy looking off r.). And I, myself scarce. 
(Going to D. L. 3) What will mother say if she learns I've 
got two husbands? Gracious, as if one wasn't enough. 

[EXIT D. L. 3. 

ENTER Harry breathlessly d. c. 

Harry. Thank goodness the German's out of the way. I 
locked him in. He's safe for awhile anyway. (Glancing l.) 
Hello, MoUie's let them in. Well,"you can bet I'm not going 



Too Many Husbands. 17 

to be the reception committee. (Espies screen) I'll size 
them up from behind here. (Behind screen.) 

ENTER MoLLiE D. c, followed by Colonel Thaddeus Crane, 
Dorothy, his daughter, and Chauncey Chilton. 

MoLLiE. Right this way — right this way. 

Colonel (looking around). Not a pretentious house, 
Dorothy — ^but comfortable. By gad, the boy's change of 
pace surprises me. To Mollie) Is your master at home? 

Mollie (nervously). I don't know, sir. 

Colonel. Don't know? 

Mollie (nervously). I mean — I'll see, sir. (Starts l.) 

Colonel. Just a moment. (Clearing throat) Your 
master, he is engaged regularly in business, I trust? 

Mollie. Oh, yes, sir. Each day — at the factory. 

Colonel. ) _, ^ . 
T^ }■ t actory « 

Dorothy. ) 

Mollie (adding). As a bookl^eeper — yes, sir. 

Colonel. Bookkeeper? Ah, then he's given up his foolish 
literary aspirations, eh? Splendid — splendid! (Nudging 
Chilton in the side) His wife probably did that. See what 
a wife can do for a man? (To Mollie) He expected us, of 
course. 

Mollie (nervously). Well, I covildn't say, sir. He ex- 
pected his mother-in-law — I know. (Harry loohs over 
screen and threatens her with fist.) 

Colonel. His mother-in-law? 

Mollie (catching Harry's eye). Oh no, sir — perhaps I 
shouldn't have said that, sir. He expected no one, sir 

Colonel (roaring). No one? 

Mollie (confusedly). Oh yes, sir — no, sir. I think I'd 
better go, sir — yes, sir. [EXIT D. c. quicldy. 

Colonel. Bless me what a stupid girl! I thought she 
acted strange when she opened the door. (Looking off d. r. 1) 
Ah, there's a large portrait of my daughter-m-law. (To 
Chilton, warmly ruhhing hands together) See? 

Chilton. Rather a clever oil painting. I'll take a better 
look at it. 

Colonel. Yes, do. My nephew had an eye for beauty 
when making his choice. [EXIT Chilton d. r. 1. 

Colonel (to Dorothy). I am glad I made the trip after 
all. Chilton would have turned me from it, but I've satisfied 
my mind that Arthur made no mistake in marrying and 
settling down. And as his guardian, I had a certain re- 



18 Too Many Husbands. 

sponsibility. (Dorothy appears rather downcast, which the 
Colonel notices) There, there, my dear. Don't be downcast. 
I know of your little affection for the lad, but Arthur was 
never intended for you. Chauncey is my idea of an ideal 
match for you. 

ENTER Bauer very breathlessly, d. c. 

Bauer. Where iss he? Where is dot feller who locked me 
in der room shust now? (Then observing Colonel) Ach, 
excuse me, I didn't know somebody else vas in der room. 

Colonel (surprised) . Who are you ? 

Bauer. Who are you yourself a couple of times und see 
how you like it. 

Colonel. Do you know, sir, who I am? 

Bauer (imitating him). Und do you know who I ain't? 
(Then after effective pause) You are probably one of der 
other boarders. 

Colonel. Nothing of the sort, sir; I am 

Bauer (interrupting). I got it! You are der fellow who 
stole from me, my room away. 

Colonel. Why, you impudent puppy! 

Bauer (snapping fingers in Colonel's face). Likewise, 
puppy-cakes for you, sir. I swore to myself, I would pull 
your nose der first time I 

Colonel (roaring). Pull my nose, sir? Pull my nose? 

Bauer. Don't you dink it possible? But you needn't to 
be alarmed. Now dot I see you got mit you your wife — 
(Referring to Dorothy.) 

Dorothy (indignantly). Wife! 

Bauer. I forgive you der insult. (With how) I am al- 
ways a gentlemans. 

Colonel (to Dorothy). The fellow's a lunatic! 

Bauer (at d. c). Had the oder fellow told me der circum- 
ferences, I would have moved mit bleasure. Only he was in 
such a rush he locked me in der room und forgot to leave der 
key. I am sorry for any disturbance I caused by forcing it 
open. (With how) I apologize, und mit best wishes, believe 
me to be, sincerely yours, Rudolph Bauer. 

[EXIT D. c going l. 

Colonel. The fellow's clean gone. 

Bauer (hohhing head, in doorway c.) P. S. T will keep 
der room in der garrett. [EXIT D. c. 

Colonel. Did you ever see the like? (Going up to d. c, 
and looJcing off) The janitor, very likely. 



Too Many Husbands. 19 

ENTER Arthur d. r. 3, hurriedly, having removed dressing- 
gown and towel, and with hands outstretched. 

Arthur. Uncle — uncle! 

Colonel (turning. Warmly). Arthur, my boy! Well, 
well, well! 

Arthur (espying Dorothy). And Dorothy! (Quickly to 
her as if to Mss her.) 

Colonel (catching him hy coat-tail). Hold on — hold on! 
Remember you're a married man now! 

Arthur. By Jove, I forgot that. 

Dorothy (rather coldly). You're a nice one not to have 
met us at the pier. 

Arthur. I'll tell you how that was. You see, Mollie 
neglected to hand me your letter vmtil 

Colonel. Mollie? Mollie? 

Arthur. Yes — our maid. 

Colonel. Didn't I say right away, Dorothy — she was a 
stupid thing? (ENTER Chilton d. r. 1) Arthur— know 
Mr. Chilton, my secretary and Dorothy's affianced husband. 

Arthur (starting). Then she isn't married yet? By Jove! 

Colonel. They are engaged. (To Chilton) My nephew, 
Mr. Maitland. 

Arthur (warmly shaking his hand). Say, I'm awfully 
glad you're not married. 

Chilton. Sir! 

Arthur (letting go his hand, which he has heen vigorously 
shaking). Yon know what I mean. 

Colonel. Chilton has been my secretary for several years 
now and I know of no man whom I would be prouder to 
have as my son-in-law. (To Arthur, looking around) 
You're nicely fixed. 

Arthur (sadly). Fixed is putting it mildly. 

Colonel. Only, I'd discharge that janitor. 

Arthur. Janitor? 

Colonel. Yes, he's as wild as a March hare. 

Arthur. Heavens! Which one do you mean? 

Colonel. Which one? Why, you haven't more than one, 
I hope. 

Dorothy. Dad means the old German. 

Arthur (falling on chair). The old German! You don't 
mean to say you've seen him ? 

Colonel. And spoken to him. His case is quite hopeless. 
Why do you keep him around the house ? 

Arthur (aside). What shall I say. (To Colonel) He's 
an old veteran of the revolution 



20 'I^oo Many Husbands. 

Colonel. Revolution ? 

Arthur. Boer war — I should say Civil war. Some war 
anyway — and I took pity on him. (Then to change subject) 
But, uncle, I thought you seriously ill. 

Colonel. Had a narrow escape, my boy. Come near cash- 
ing in — but the doctor pulled me through — and then advised 
a sea voyage. Chauneey there (Referring to Chilton) didn't 
approve of our coming to America. 

Chilton (nervously). I was afraid the excitement 
would 

Colonel (patting him on shoulder). Always thinking of 
my welfare, Chauneey. (To Arthur) But I thought to kill 
two birds with one stone. Recover my health and visit you 
and your wife. 

Arthur (starts). Oh yes — my wife! How nice. 

Colonel. I admired your choice the moment I received 
her photograph. (Taking photograph from pocTcet) Splen- 
did! splendid! (Confidentially) But tell me — who is she? 

Arthur (giving start). Who is she? My wife — is my 
wife. 

Colonel. No, no, you don't catch my meaning. Comes of 
a good family. I svippose; money? 

Arthur. Well, not exactly too much of the latter. (Then 
with assumed dignity) Uncle, I'm surprised you would 
think me capable of marrying any woman for her money. 

Colonel (slapping him on shoulder). I'm prouder of you 
than ever. A simon-pure love match, eh? Capital! Capi- 
tal ! And your job ? 

Arthur (puzzled). My job? 

Colonel. How are the prospects for advancement? 

Arthur. I've got a book at the publishers now that will 
pay me- 



Colonel. No, no, not that nonsense. Aren't you a book- 
keeper ? 
Arthur. A bookkeeper? Oh lor'! 
Colonel. Why, yes, in the factory! Your maid told 



Arthur. The maid told you? Then whatever she told 
you — I am. 

Colonel. Don't be ashamed of your job, my boy. I started 
at the lowest rung of the ladder when just about your age 
and look at me now! (Stril-es awl-ivard pose.) 

Arthur (aside). Just look at him! 

Colonel. But to return to your domestic life. Are you 
happy? 



Too Many Husbands. 21 

Arthur (with sad face). Don't I look it? Supremely 
happy. 

Colonel (close to him). And tell me — have you anything' 
running around the house. (Illustrating with hands, 
height of about three feet) about so high? 

Arthur. A picket fence. 

Colonel. No, no, I mean children. 

Arthur. Children? Children? Oh, babies, you mean? 

Colonel (anxiously). Yes, yes 

Arthur. No. 

Colonel. I'm disappointed. However, when are we to 
see your wife? 

Arthur (up quickly). I'll tell you about that. Had I ex- 
pected you 

Dorothy (anxiously). You don't mean to say she's not at 
home? 

Arthur. I'm sorry. She went to the mountains for a lit- 
tle recreation. 

Colonel. Mountains? Why, your maid told us she was 
at home. 

Arthur. Mollie told you that? 

Chilton. She distinctly did. 

Arthur (aside). I wonder what else she told them? 

Colonel (placing arm about Arthur). You can't hold 
me in longer suspense. Brace up! don't be ashamed of her, 
my boy. I shan't be a harsh critic. If she measures up to 
the photograph I'll be delighted. All I want, anyway, is to 
see you happy. 

ENTER Mollie d. l. 3. 

Colonel (sharply). Oh here, girl. Ask Mrs. Maitland to 
step here. 

MoLLiE (surprised). Mrs. Maitland, sir? 

Colonel. Yes — your mistress — my nephew's wife. 
(Harry, bobbing over screen, threatens her and motions her 
to go.) 

Mollie (confusedly). Oh, yes — my mistress — I forgot. 

[EXIT D. L. 3. 

Colonel. Peculiar girl, that. Never seen her equal. 

Arthur. You've a lot to see. But, uncle, you must for- 
give her. She's a new servant; only been with us a day. 

Colonel. And she told me below, she'd been here a whole 
year. 

Arthur. Did she, really? To me it seems but a day. 



22 ^00 Many Husbands. 

(Harry, out from hehind screen, is taking long strides 
toward D. l. 1, hut is seen hy Arthur) Oh ! Harry, 

Harry {comes to a stop). Oh lor'. 

Arthur (to Harry). Tell my wife — your wife — our wife 
— to come here a moment. [EXIT, nervously, Harry d. l. 1. 

Colonel. And pray, who was that? 

Arthur. Him? Why, Harry's my — my secretary. 

Colonel. Secretary? By Jove! you've got a more expen- 
sive household than I thought. 

ENTER Harry d. l. 1, leading Milly hy hand. 

Harry Come on, Milly — come on. (As she reluctantly 
ENTERS, he gives her a sudden jerk, confusedly Iringing 
her to c.) 

Colonel. As I live 

Arthur (sheepishly). My wife! 

Colonel (offering hand). My dear daughter-in-law, you 
don't know how glad I am to see you. 

Harry (l. of Milly, nudges her. Aside to her). Go on, 
Milly — say something — do something. 

Milly (reluctantly taking his hand). Thank you. 

Colonel (presenting Dorothy). My daughter, Dorothy, 
(Presenting Chilton) and my secretary, Mr. Chilton. 

Chilton (hows). Delighted, I'm sure. 

Colonel. We've come to pay you a brief visit. 

Arthur (aside). I hope it's brief. 

Colonel. But in that time hope to become better ac- 
quainted. And now, if you'll show us to our rooms, we'll 
remove the evidences of our long voyage. 

Arthur (nervously, to Milly). Wifey dear, show Unkie 
to his room. 

Harry (nudges Milly. Aside to her). Show him the big 
room. 

Milly (crosses to d. r. 1. Stammers). This w — w — way, 
please — this w — w — way. 

Harry (aside). Poor, poor Milly. 

[EXIT Harry d. l. 1, and Milly, Chilton and Dorothy 

D. R. 1. 

Colonel (follows them to d. r. 1, then turns and in whis- 
pers to Arthur). She's a little shy — but up to all my expec- 
tations. 

Arthur, I'm glad you like her, uncle. 



Too Many Husbands. 23 

ENTER Jones d. c, wheeling haby -carriage. 

Arthur (starts). Oh lor'. The carriage! 

Jones (to Colonel). The girl told me to come right up. 
Your name Maitland ? 

Colonel (interested. Referring to Arthur). There 
stands Mr. Maitland. 

Jones {steering carriage to him). This is for you. 

Arthur (stammering) . There must be some mistake. 

Jones (consulting tool-). Nope! Here it is in black and 
white. Ordered and paid for by Arthur Maitland, this ad- 
dress — all charges paid. (Arthur sinhs on sofa.) 

Colonel (joyously). My boy! my boy! your little secret 
is out. You have got a baby after all. I thought you were 
trying to keep something back. (Dances around, waving 
handkerchief) Hurrah! hurrah! I'm the happiest man in 
the world. 

Jones. The girl signed the slip. (At d. c.) I knowed 
dere couldn't be no mistake. (Looking hack at Arthur) 
Gee! dese newly married guys give me a pain. 

[EXITS D. c, going r. 

Colonel (dancing over to Arthur. Jubilantly). We'll 
keep it from Dorothy for a while. Surprise her — even 
though your proposed little joke on me came a cropper. 
(Sits alongside of him) What is it, Arthur — a boy or a girl? 

Arthur (ahsent-mindedly). Neither. 

Colonel. Neither? 

Arthur. No, no — (Then looking up) What do you want 
it to be? (Then quickly) I mean — (Then turning away) 
Oh, I don't know what to say. 

Colonel (slapping him on shoulder). It's a boy — a boy! 
I can see it by the twinkle in your eye. 

Arthur (aside). Now my eyes are beginning to give me 
away. (To Colonel) But, supposing 

Colonel. I won't suppo.se anything. I'll cut you off with- 
out a shilling if it's anything but a boy. 

Arthur (disconsolately). Well, then — it's a boy! 

Colonel. I knew it— I knew it. And of course you've 
named him Thaddeus after his uncle, eh? 

Arthur. The fact is, she — I should say he — he hasn't 
been christened as yet. 

Colonel. That so? We'll have to see to it then, before I 
go. I shall certainly want to act as godfather. (Up, pomp- 
ously) Another unexpected pleasure! Ah, this has been a 
glorious day indeed. 



24: ^oo Many Husbands. 

Arthur (sadly). And it's just started! (Baby heard 
crying loudly dff D. L. 1.) 

Arthur (up). Great Scott— the kid! 

Colonel. As I live, the little augel's voice. And softly 
cooing. (Starts to go l.) Let me go to him — let me 

Arthur (restraining him). No — his father is trying to 
lull him to sleep! 

Colonel. His father? 

Arthur. I should have said — his nurse! 

Colonel (starts). What? Also a nurse? Great Scott, 
man, how do you manage it on your income? You've two 
janitors, a maid, a secretary, a man of all work, a nurse, 

and (Harry dances on d. l. 1, a long-skirted hahy in his 

arms and singing a lullaby) There he i9« — there he is! 
(Follows after Harry, as the latter waltzes around room, 
singing) Let me take him in my arms ! 

Arthur (same time, follows Colonel, endeavoring to draw 
his attention) But, uncle, I forgot to tell you 

Colonel (finally halts Harry as he is about to EXIT 
D. L. 1). What do you mean, sir? What do you mean by 
making me chase you about that way? 

Harry. Did I ask you to chase me about? 

Colonel. None of your impudence, sir. (Endeavoring 
to relieve him of baby) I want a look at that baby. 

Harry (pushing his hands axvay). Hold on there — just a 
minute! Whose baby is this? 

Colonel. Whose baby? My nephew's, of course. (Refers 
to Arthur.) 

Harry. Oh, that's it, eh? 

Colonel (adjusting glasses — then chucJcing baby under 
chin). Cooche — eooche — cooche. (Looks from baby to 
Arthur several times) Takes right after his father! 

LL\RRY ) n n 1. ■ ^ 

Arthur \ ^^'^^]' business). 

Colonel (looking admiringly at baby). Got your eyes, 
nose and mouth, Arthur. By Jove, I feel twenty years 
younger. (To Harry) But you've got to stop dancing that 
child about that way. 

Harry. Oh, I have — have I? 

Colonel. And I'll take no back talk, either, even if you 
are my nephew's secretary. 

Harry. His secretary? 

Arthur (loudly). My secretary. 

Colonel. I'll have you to understand, sir, I am this 
child's godfather. We're going to name him Thaddeus! 



Too Many Husbands. 25 

Harry (starting). Thaddeus? Kot if I 

Colonel (pompously). After me, sir — after me! (Cross- 
ing to D. R. 1) And now I'll tell Dorothy to step here. 
(Waving hand to hahy) Cooehe, cooche, cooche! (Gives a 
chuclde.) [EXIT all smiles D. R. 1. 

Arthur (sighs and sinl:s on sofa). Whew! that's over! 

Harry (to Arthur). Not by any means! What's this 
Thaddeus business? I don't mind all that's already hap- 
pened, but I'm hanged if I let that uncle of yours call this 
kid of mine Thaddeus! (At D. L. 1) I've got to draw the 
limit somewhere. [EXIT D. L. 1. 

Arthur (disconsolately). My name will be mud, if this 
continues. 

ENTER Dorothy d. r. 1. 

Dorothy. Dad said you wanted to show me something. 

Arthur. Your dad is a (Then making room for her 

on sofa) Come over and sit down. 

Dorothy (hesitating). I hardly know whether it's proper 
or not. You're a married 

Arthur. You mustn't take that married thing too seri- 
ously. 

Dorothy (surprised). Why, Arthur, how can you say 
that. 

Arthur (seriously). Honestly, Dorothy, there are a lot of 
things I'd like to say. (Motions to sofa) Sit down. 
(Dorothy sits.) 

Arthur. I never expected to see you again. 

Dorothy (looking doivn). And I imagine, didn't much 
care. 

Arthur. You know better than that, Dorothy. It was 
your dad who separated us. Remember the night he ordered 
me from the house? 

Dorothy. I shall never forget it. 

Arthur. I told him I'd marry you some day in spite of 
everything; that I'd wait until eternity 

Dorothy. And then you went right off and married some- 
one else. 

Arthur. No, no, Dorothy, you don't quite gTasp the situ- 
ation. I really have been waiting all these years. 

Dorothy. With your present wife at your side. Ridicu- 
lous ! 

Arthur (irritated) . Forget this other wife for a minute. 
I've worked and strived with the one thought uppermost in 
my mind; the thought that one day you would be my- 



26 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Dorothy (up — alarmed). Gracious, Arthur — how strange 
you talk! 

Arthur (passionately). Dorothy, I have never loved any 
other woman but you. (Takes hold of her hand.) 

Dorothy. You must be mad! (Snatches hand away and 
goes R.) 

Arthur. I want you to become my wife! 

Dorothy (at door r. 1). Your wife? The only excuse I 
can offer for your present conduct is that you've been drink- 
ing. [EXIT haughtily D. R. 1. 

Arthur (staggered). By Jove, that's so. I always keep 
forgetting my other wife. (Now c.) I'll have a job making 
Dorothy understand, and the worst of it is, if I don't 
hurry, that Chilton fellow will very likely cut me out. (At 
D. L. 1) By Jove, I'll have to apoloj?ize to Harry for that 
baby incident. Can't afford to get him down on me too. 

[EXIT D. L. 1. 

ENTER Milly d. r. 1, followed hy Chilton, 

MiLLY. This way, Mr. Chilton. (Pointing to D. R. 3) 
You'll find your room right in there. 

Chilton. Thank you, madam, thank you. [EXIT D. R. 3. 

Milly. My, what a time I've had in that room. What 
questions the old gentleman asked. I tried my best to an- 
swer them satisfactorily and do hope I haven't made a 
dreadful mess of things. (At D. c.) Oh, I do wish this day 
was over. [EXIT D. c, going l. 

ENTER Chilton d. r. 3, cautiously to d. c. 

Chilton. I'm awfully worried about this trip. (LooJcing 
off) All is quiet below. (Cautiously to d. r. 3) Anyway, 
I'll be greatly relieved once we're on the high seas again. 

[EXIT on tiptoes D. R. 3. 

ENTER Arthur d. l. 1. 

Arthur. Harry's really touchy on that baby question. 
Can't be pacified. Will stand for anything but Thaddeus — 
and I don't much blame him. (Bell rings helow) Who can 
that be ? (Up to screen) Whoever it is, I must be on guard. 
(Gets behind screen.) 

ENTER MoLLiE D. c, followed hy Mrs. Sheffield. 

MoLLiE. This way, madam — this way. 

MoLLiE. I'll tell the missus at once, ma'am. {Starts 



Too Many Husbandd. 2T 

toward D. L. 1) Pardon, ma'am, but are you also a new 
boarder? 

Mrs. Sheffield. A new boarder ? I should hope not. I'm 
Mrs. Sheffield. 

MoLLiE {starting). The master's mother-in-law! Oh, yes 
mam. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Just a moment. Am I to understand, 
my son-in-law takes in boarders? 

MoLLiE. Well, before to-day there was only one — Mr. 
Maitland; but we've a party of English people and a 
German inventor who just came. {At d. l. 1) I'll tell the 
missus. [EXIT d. l. 1. 

Mrs. Sheffield (hatightily). So he takes in boarders, 
eh? (Looks around) Well, it looks like it. I might have 
known Milly would come to this when she married the fool. 
But she's got only herself to blame. I advised against the 
match time and time again. 

ENTER Harry hurriedly d. l. 1, with hands outstretched. 

Harry. Why, if it isn't dear- 



Mrs. Sheffield (restraining him). Don't dear me. You 
know I'm not strong on soft soap. Where's Milly — where 
is my daughter? 

Harry (nervously). Be up in a minute. She's in the 
kitchen. 

Mrs. Sheffield (pointedly). Preparing dinner for the 
boarders, I suppose? 

Harry. Boarders? (Aside) Wow! 

Mrs. Sheffield. The maid told me all about the English 
party — the inventor and the Lord only knows who else. 
Why didn't you let me know you were so hard up? 

Harry. Why, I 

Mrs. Sheffield. The idea of a Sheffield conducting a 
common, ordinary hash-for-breakfast-dinner-and-supper af- 
fair. But you can be certain of one thing. I'll clear them 
all out before the day is over. 

Harry. Clear them out? You mustn't do that. 

Mrs. Sheffield (pounding umhrella on sofa). Clear them 
out at once! (Folding arms) Why aren't you at work? 

Harry. Why, the christening is to 

Mrs. Sheffifld. The christening, eh? Milly and I could 
have seen to that. You're wasting time. (Then changing 
tone) By the way, I don't suppose you've arranged for the 
parson ? 



^8 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Harry. Why, I thought we'd all go to 

Mrs. Sheffield. Just like you. You thought — you 
thought! That's all you ever did do. I knew better than to 
take things for granted, so I asked the parson on the next 
block to call here and officiate. And now, where's the little 
tot? I'm anxious for a glimpse at her. 

Harry (pointing to D. L. 1). In the nursery, there, to the 
left. 

Mrs. Sheffield (at d. l. 1). There's just one thing else. 
She's to be named after me — her grandmother — do you 
understand that? 

Harry (meehly). Perfectly. You have a delightful way 
of making your meaning clear. 

Mrs. Sheffield. I'm glad that's settled without the usual 
row! My, what a temper you've got! I don't see how any 
woman can get on with you! [EXIT o. l. 1. 

Harry (bitterly). Dear old soul. How I'll miss her when 
she's gone. [EXIT d. l. 1. 

Arthur (hohhing head over screen, looking after Harry). 
Lucky Harry, (With sarcasm) to have a wife and mother-in- 
law! (Bell rings helow) And still they come. I wonder 
who this can be? (Out from behind screen, loohs off D. c, 
then gives a start) Oh lor'! (Confusedly scrambles behind 
screen again.) 

ENTER MoLLiE d. c, followed by Reverend Ormsby. 

MoLLiE. I'll tell the missus. [EXIT d. l. 1. 

Ormsby (looking around). I've never had the pleasure of 
meeting the members of this family, though we've been 
neighbors for some time. Quite nicely situated. I'll have 
to 

ENTER Colonel hurriedly n. r. 1. 

Colonel (To Ormsby). Ah — you're here for the christen- 
ing — what ? 

Ormsby. I believe that is my mission, sir. 

Colonel (aside). Arthur took my tip and arranged it 
just to please me. (To Ormsby) You know — I'm to be the 
child's godfather. 

Ormsby. Indeed? Why, I thoiight the lady said 

Colonel. My friend, the lady's got nothing to say. I'm 
running this affair. I've fixed it with the father. The child 
is to be christened Thaddeus. 



Too Many Husbands. 29 

Ormsby. My word — there must be some mistake, for the 
lady distinctly said 

Colonel (angrily). Mvist I repeat? Thaddeus is the 
name I chose. (Roaring) Thaddeus! Thaddeus! Thaddeus! 

Ormsby. I heard you the first time. (Meekly) Thaddeus 
it shall be. 

Colonel (slapping him heavily on shoulder). Good! I'll 
just jump into my frock-coat and hurry right out. You'll 
wait, of course. 

Ormsby. I am at your service, sir. [EXIT Colonel 

D. B. 1) Singular I should have imagined the lady said the 
child was to be 

ENTEK Mrs. Sheffield d. l. 1. 

Mrs. Sheffield. I'm so glad you didn't delay. 

Ormsby. I am usually quite punctual, madam. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Everything is in readiness. If you'll 
just step this way. (Points l.) 

Ormsby. But the old gentleman in that room — the 
child's godfather 

Mrs. Sheffield. Godfather? You must be mistaken. I 
told you that I would act as godmother. 

Ormsby. And he told me 

Mrs. Sheffield. Never mind what anyone else told you. 
I'm running this affair. 

Ormsby. There seems to be no end of running. Those 
were also his very words. (Meekly) However, as you wish, 
madam. 

Mrs. Sheffield. You'll find the child awaiting you in 
that room. 

Ormsby. Very well, madam. [EXIT d. l. 1. 

Arthur (out from behind screen, hurries to D. l. 1, looks 
off). If uncle happens to burst in upon that christening — 
all is lost. I have it. (Over to d. r. 1. ENTER Chilton 
D. R. 3, espies Arthur at d. r. 1, gives a start, then cautiously 
over to screen, partially concealing himself behind same, in- 
tently watching Arthur, who glances around) The key's 
in the lock! I'll lock him in until it's over! (Turns key) 
There! so much for that! 

ENTER Harry d. l. 1. 

Harry. Oh, here you are. Hurry, old man. Baby's get- 
ting fidgety. We're waiting for you inside. 



30 Too Many Husbands. 

Arthur (nervously). Yes — that's so. In a minute — a 
minute. 

Harry. Want you as a witness, you know. [EXIT D. L. 1. 

Arthur. I hope he didn't witness what I was doing. 
(Over to D. L. 1) Thank goodness uncle is safe for a time. 

[EXIT D. L. 1. 

Chilton (hobs head over screen). Now I wonder what all 
that meant? (Bauer suddenly appears c. and glances mys- 
teriously about. Chilton sees him) Oh lor'! (Quickly 
down.) 

Bauer (quickly over to D. R. 3, looks off; then hurriedly to 
D. L. 1, looks off; then over to d. r 1. and after glancing 
around to see no one is ivatching, tries door) Locked! 
(Gets on knees before door and peers through key-hole) No 
one in dere — only der old feller. Hello ! dere are a couple of 
more rooms leading from dot one. Maybe I am mistooken 
after all. (Cautiously to D. c.) Anyways, I keep mine eyes 
open. [EXITS d. c. 

Chilton (bobbing head over screen). The mystery deep- 
ens! Who can he be? 

Colonel (from within d. r. 1). Hello, the door's locked? 

Now, who the (Then calls aloud) Oh, I say — hello there, 

without ! 

Chilton. The Colonel! (Out from behind screen and 
over to D. R. 1) What is it. Colonel? 

Colonel (within). Some one's locked the door by mistake. 

Chilton (glancing L. before speaking). On purpose I 
should say. 

Colonel (within. Roaring). Eh, what's that? What do 
you mean? 

Chilton. I saw your precious son-in-law turn the key 
and say, " I'll lock him in, until it's over. 

Colonel (within). I see the scheme! Then he tried to 
keep the news away on purpose. (Bitterly) Going to name 
the brat Arthur instead of Thaddeus! (Pounds on door) 
But I won't allow it! I'll stop it — stop it — stop it — do you 
hear? 

Chilton (anxiously glancing L.). The christening appears 
to be in full blast already. 

Colonel (within, Groaning). And I'm to be kept away 
until it's over. Precious scoundrel! Oh, what shall I do? 

Chilton (anxiously). Isn't there another door — a door 
lending into m.y room? 

Colonel (within. Suddenly). Eh? By Jove you're 



^oo Many Husbands. 31 

right. (Then sadly) But that's also locked. (Suddenly) 
Hello, the transom! I'll risk my neck on that. 

Chilton (glances l.). You'll have to hurry. They're 
Hearing the end. 

Colonel (excitedly, within). Oh, what a trick to play! 
But I'll make him sweat for the deception. 

Chilton. Hurry, hurry! 

Colonel (within). Coming, coming! (A loud glass 
crash heard off d. r. 1.) 

Chilton. There goes the transom! (Another loud crash) 
And there the Colonel! 

Colonel (whining off d. r. 1). Coming! Coming! (Extra 
loud crash D. R. 1.) 

ENTER Ormsby carrying hahy, excitedly from d. l. 1, fol- 
lowed hy Mrs. Sheffield, Arthur, Milly and Harry. 

All. What has happened? (ENTER Colq-sel p. r. 1, 
his hair disheveled, a red smudge on his nose, his shirt 
sleeves torn, his collar and tie awry) The Colonel! 

Colonel (furiously, to Ormsby). So, it's over, eh? Tell 
me the worst ! Is it Arthur or Thaddeus ? 

Ormsby (nervously). Beg pardon, sir — neither! I named 
her Margarite! 

Colonel (gives a roar). Margarite! Oh lor'! (Groans 
and sinks limply into Chilton's arms. Ormsby, nervously 
fumbling hahy, finally holds her upside down; then as Milly 
gives a horrified scream, confusedly corrects the error.) 

picture. 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 



Scene, as in Act 1. No change in setting. Table is cleared, 
and a fancy spread over same; also some boohs, and a 
vase with cut flowers. Time, 10 A. M. 

ENTER Colonel d. r. 1, putting on coat and hat, followed 
by Dorothy. 

Dorothy. But, father- 



CoLONEL (angrily). Not a word. The fellow deceived me 



32 ^oo Many Husbands. 

and I'm through with him forever. ( With sarcasm) " I 
named her Margarite." (Angrily) And I thought it a boy! 
(Bitterly) Miserable deceiver! (To Dorothy) Go get 
your things packed. We'll leave as soon as I am ahle to 
arrange for other quartere. [EXIT Dorothy d. r. 1. 
Colonel (adjusting gloves). We'll see if I am to be 

ENTER MoLLiE, sleepily d. c. Yawns. Then seeing Col- 
onel, starts. 

Mollie. Oh, gee! 

Colonel (referring to Mollie). Another part of the 
household. A fine crovpd — all of them. (To Mollie) See 
here, girl, where's the nearest telephone station. 

Mollie (sleepily). At the druggist's, sir, on the corner. 

Colonel. Good. I'll call up a hotel in New York and 
arrange for rooms. (Starts for D. c.) 

Mollie. Going out, sir? 

Colonel (turning angrily). No — coming in, stupid! 
Bah! [EXIT d. c. going R. 

Mollie (looking after him). Nice old party that. So 
gentle and kind. (Commences to dust furniture) And 
from the way they all act there's something wrong some- 
where. Don't act at all like real boarders. 

ENTER Bauer quickly d. c. 

Bauer (dramatically). Ha! ha! 

Mollie (gives a start). Oh, gracious! (Moves away from 
him.) 

Bauer (taking long strides down to her). Do you want 
to make ten thousand dollars? 

Mollie (dropping duster). Ten thousand what? 

Bauer. Dollars! (Spelling) D — double O — double L — 
double S— Dollars! 

Mollie (fainting in his arms). Tell me all about it — 
one dollar at a time. 

Bauer (struggling with her). Yes- — but blease don't take 
me for a jass-ass. Lean on your own self for a while. 

Mollie (recovering). Ten thousand dollars! I didn't 
know there was so much money in the world. 

Bauer. It's half of vat I git if I am successful. (With 
a smile) Und mebbee I might include myself in der bargain 
besides. 

Mollie. Do you mean that for a proposal? 



Too Many Husbands. 33 

Bauer. Don't it listen dot way? 

MoLLiE (drawing away. Aside). He's looney sure! 

Bauer. All you got to did — is to watch der wrists of all 
the boarders. 

MoLLlE. The wrists! 

Bauer. Chessir ! Wrists ! 

MoLLiE {draws well away from him). That's enough for 
me. 

Bauer (confidentially). Ven you see someone mit a cross 
tattooed on his left wrist — tell me und you get der ten 
thousand. Is it not easy? 

MoLLiE. Gee, that's hardly the name for it. 

Bauer (close to her). So it's a bargain, vat? 

MoLLiE (alarmed, drawing array from him). Help! help! 

Bauer. Vat! you are not frightened to see me? 

MoLLiE (tremhling D. c). N — o; just tickled to death. 

Bauer (seriously). Kemember ven you see der cross on 
der wrist you — (Gradually drawing close to her.) 

Mollie (running to d. l. 1). Heli) — help! 

Bauer (puzzled). Won't you let me explanation 

Mollie (confusedly). Help — help! [EXIT d. l. 1. 

Bauer (sighs). She dinks I am off my noodle. Strange 
ideas dese peoples git. 

ENTER Mrs. Sheffield d. c. 

Bauer (espying her). Ach, madam — maybe you will help 
me. 

Mrs. Sheffield (haughtily). Help you? In what way? 

Bauer (finger to lips, mysteriously glancing around). 
Can you keep a secret? 

Mrs. Sheffield (haughtily). Am I not a woman? 

Bauer. NuflF sed. In two minutes der whole world knows 
it. It is quicker as wireless telegraphy. (Tahes hold of her 
left wrist and brings her down stage) S-h. (Glances 
around) I am looking for a man mit a cross tattooed on his 
left wrist. 

Mrs. Sheffield (alarmed). Gracious, what a quest! 

Bauer. Now I can't do it myself. It looks suspicious 
und give der snap away. I thought if you could git in 
conversations mit each man folks und could make out you 
will tell his fortune— you see? Den you get a chance to 
see his wrist und if he is got a cross tattooed — den you tell 
me — und presto! We divide der twenty thousand dollars. 

Mrs. Sheffield (cautiously crossing to d. l. 1.). I am in 
danger! The man's not right! 



34 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Bauer. Is it a go? 

Mrs. Sheffield (at d. l. 1), A go? I'm going — as fast 
as I can. [EXIT quickly D. L. 1. 

Bauer. I give it up. For why do dese peoples turn my 
offer down dot way? 

ENTER D. c, Arthur with newspaper. 

Bauer. Ach, you are shust my man! 

Arthur {turning and about to EXIT again). Is that so? 

Bauer (catching him by coat, before he EXITS and 
dragging him down c). Hold on — hold on. You want to 
earn ten thousand dollars? 

Arthur. Yes, providing I don't have to work for it. But 
I do hope you're not going to tell me about the tattooed 
wrist again? 

Bauer. Ach, den you know about it? 

Arthur. I should hope so. You've explained it — as only 
you can explain it — a half dozen times. 

Bauer (mysteriously). S-h. Den you are in on it? 

Arthur. And out of it too. 

Bauer (at d. c). You are der first sensible person I have 
seen around here since I arrived. Remember, der cross on 
the wrist. It's worth ten thousand dollars. [EXIT D. C. 

Arthur (going up and looking after him). That fellow 
has less regard for money than any one I know. 

ENTER Harry d. l. 3. 

Harry. Oh, here you are. 

Arthur. What's up now? 

Harry (angrily). Everything. This thing has got to 
come to a halt. 

Arthur. What thing? 

Harry. Oh, you know well enough. I'll lend you my 
wife no longer. (On sofa) From now on my wife — is my 
wife. 

Arthur (sits alongside Harry). For heaven's sake, Harry, 
be reasonable. 

Harry (turning on him). Do you think me unreasonable? 

Arthur. S-h, not so loud. 

Harry. I don't care — it's all off, I tell you. 

Arthur. Be serious, old man. Only let it go on for a 
few hours longer. 

Harry. A few hours? Look what's happened in the past 



Too Many Husbands. 35 

thirty minutes! That uncle of yours seems to think Milly 
his personal property. Then look how narrowly little 
Margarite escaped being named Thaddeus! {Pacing floor) 
Just think of a girl being called that! 

Arthur. Don't take on so. 

Harry. Oh, it isn't me so much. It's Milly. She'll let 
the eat out of the bag the next time your uncle tries to kiss 
her. 

Arthur. Uncle's got an affectionate manner. 

Harry. And a worse nerve. But he'd better steer clear 
of the old lady. She's on the war-path and you know what 
that means. 

Arthur. I am blessed with a vivid imagination. Perhaps 
I'd better have a talk with her. (Starts toward D. L. 1.) 

Harry. Precious little chance you'll get. 

Arthur. Don't forget, old friend, that in my time I've 
faced the wild beasts in the African jungle. [EXIT d. l. 1. 

Harry. You've got a surprise coming. (Sinls on sofa) 
By Jove, I wish this was over. 

ENTER Milly d. c. 

Milly (down to Harry). Has he gone for good? 

Harry. Who ? 

Milly. That awful Colonel. I saw him leave the house 
some time ago. 

Harry. I'm afraid not. 

Milly (sits beside him on sofa). Mother is in the kitchen 
and is furious. 

Harry (glancing toward d. l. 1.). Poor Arthur. 

Milly. Demanded to know who the Colonel really was 
and when I told her — a boarder, she demanded to know why 
I permitted him to kiss me a while ago. 

Harry. What did you say? 

Milly. What could I say? I burst into tears. 

Harry. A woman's privilege. And then 

Milly. And then mama burned her finger • 

Harry (laughing). And you laughed! 

Milly. I did nothing of the sort. (Starting to rise) 
How could you say such a thing. 

Harry (quicMy talcing her by hand). Forgive me, Milly. 
Please don't run away. 

ENTER Colonel d. c. 
Colonel (espying them, starts. Aside). Hello — what's 



36 l^oo Many Husbands. 

this? Arthur's wife and the secretary! (Gets hehind 
screen.) 

Harry (drawing Milly hack on sofa). Sit down. I'll 
never say it again. 

Milly (slowly sits). I know you didn't mean it. 

Harry. Merely a slip of the tongue. (Close to her) 
Now don't let this worry you any longer. We'll soon be 
rid of Arthur and his relations. 

Colonel (hohhing over screen). So that's it, eh? 

Milly (close to Harry). And then, I hope, things will go 
on as of old. 

Harry. Yes, my dear, as of old. 

Colonel (watching them. Aside). If Arthur could only 
see this? And I thought her 

Milly. I feel sorry for Arthur in a way, but yet we must 
consider our happiness. 

Harry. A rare good fellow — but his own worst enemy. 
We must, however, keep up the deception for a while longer. 

Colonel (aside). A while longer, eh? The plot thickens! 

Milly. Do you think it wise? I had hoped it would be 
no longer necessary. 

Colonel (looking over screen. Angrily aside). Hear the 
heartless creature! 

Harry. I think it best to keep it up until the coast is 
clear. And now, dear, we must not be seen together again 
until — (The Colonel gives a roar and then down hehind 
screen. Harry glances around) Did you hear that? 
(Quickly) Someone is coming. Quick, a kiss. (They kiss. 
The Colonel hohs tip in time to ivitness it. Harry rises 
from sofa and over to a L. 1) And now we had better be 
going. I believe even Arthur will be relieved when once the 
truth is out. 

Milly. Oh, I know he will. [EXIT D. L. 1, arm in arm. 

Colonel (out, looking after them). Deceiving couple! 
Poor Arthur ! Miserable fellow that he is, I pity him in his 
domestic life. And kissing each other openly, where every- 
one could see them. Oh, women, women, you are all alike. 
(A crash heard off D. L. 3, and the rattling of tins) Great 
heavens — what was that? 

ENTER Arthur hurriedly d. l. 1, his hair disheveled, tie 
and^ collar awry, and flour spattered over his clothing. 
A tin pail is thrown after him. 

Colonel. Arthur! Where have you been? 



Too Many Husbands. 37 

Arthur (nervously). In. the jungle — I n.ean kitchen! 
Harry's mother-in-law— I should say, my mother-in-law, has 
a pleasant manner of her own. (Gingerly glancing off L. 1.) 
Thank goodness, the storm is over. (Coming down. To 
Colonel) Uncle, I'm sorry you should have witnessed this. 

Colonel. My boy, I've seen a great deal more. (Looking 
around before continuing, then close to Arthur) My boy, 
you are being deceived ! 

Arthur (starting). Deceived! Eh, what? By whom? 

Colonel. Your secretary. 

Arthur. My secretary? 

Colonel (hoarsely). The same! 

Arthur (tn moch agony. Sinking on sofa). Ye Gods! 

Colonel (patting him on hack). There, there — better to 
know the worst now than later. You deceived me about the 
baby and driven me from your home 

Arthur (quickly looking up). Uncle, you're not going 
away ? 

Colonel. Yes. I've arranged to go to the Hotel Royal 
within the next half hour. 

Arthur. You ought not to do that. I wasn't entirely to 
blame for the way things happened. 

Colonel. We'll not discuss that now. I'm disappointed 
with you and your entire household. Still I can't help pity- 
ing you and I don't propose to see you robbed of your 
happiness. (Emphatically) You must fight this scoundrel 
a duel. 

Arthur (rising). A duel? 

Colonel. Yes. He kissed your wife! 

Arthur. My wife? 

Colonel. Think of it — your wife and before my very 
eyes. 

Arthur. Villain ! 

Colonel. Where I come from it would call for the fellow's 
life. (Over to table, taking up pen) I'll write the challenge. 

Arthur (protesting). But uncle, perhaps he didn't mean 
to do it. 

Colonel (turning sharply). Didn't mean to kiss her? 
Bah! I'm beginning to think you're afraid of your rival. 

Arthur (timidly). Oh, no, uncle — not a bit. 

Colonel (writing). I'll make it as curt and nasty as 
possible. The less formality, the deeper the shaft should 
pierce. 

Arthur (aside). Poor Harry. What a lot of trouble I 
have caused you and now 



38 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Colonel. Listen to this! (Reading) "Sir: I hereby 
challenge you to a duel to the death." {LooJcing up) How's 
that for a starter. 

Arthur. Sounds like a finisher. 

Colonel (reading). "You know the reason why. I have 
observed your sneaking methods and you can only answer 
for your contemptible methods with your life." (Looking 
up) That ought to get him. 

Arthur. Ought to get us both. 

Colonel. And to cap the climax — I've signed your name 
to it. 

Arthur. Why didn't you sign your own? 

Colonel (irritated). Simpleton! It's your duel! 

Arthur (aside). Harry must never receive that note. 

Colonel (folding 7iote). Now to get it to him! 

ENTEK MoLLiE excitedly d. c. 

MoLLiE. Oh, sir, the gentleman in the garret is com- 
pletely out of his head I'm afraid. 

Colonel. Never mind that, we've got something more 
important to attend to. (Holding out note) Hand this to 
Mr. Maitland's secretary! 

Mollie. Mr. Maitland's who, sir? 

Colonel (irritated). Confound the girl. (To Arthur) 
What's the fellow's name? 

Arthur (troubled). His name, uncle, his name? (Then 
suddenly) Why, Bauer, sir. (To Mollie) Hand it to Mr. 
Bauer! 

Mollie (talcing note). Is it — is it his note to leave? 

Colonel. Worse than that. (Over to d. r. 3.) 

Mollie (at d. c). Oh, I'm so glad. He's most frightened 
me to death since he's been here. I'll give it to him right 
away. [EXIT d. c, going h. 

Colonel (to Arthur, who has seated himself on sofa). 
I've got a brace of gims and other weapons among my things. 
And by the by, I'll ask Chilton to act as your other second. 
Now don't get nervous. The end is near. [EXIT D. R. 3. 

Arthur (loohing up). I know it is! (Up to D. c.) The 
old German won't probably understand what it all means. 
Lucky I thought to give his name. 

ENTER Dorothy d. r. 1. 

Dorothy. Arthur! (Then turns as if to EXIT again.) 
Arthvr (turning). Dorothy! Just a minute. Don't run 
away. 



1 



Too Many Husbands. 39 

Dorothy (pouting). I'm surprised you should speak to 
me again after 

Arthitr. After what? (Looking around, before speak- 
ing) Don't be hard on me, Dorothy. I'm not half as bad as 
you think 

Dorothy. And that's bad enough. 

Arthur. Come over here, Dorothy, where we can talk 
things over. I want to make a clean breast of everything. 

Dorothy. You've a lot to answer for. 

Arthur (urging her). Come on. 

Dorothy. And if your wife should see us ? 

Arthur. Oh, hang my wife! 

Dorothy. Arthur! You're more heartless than I 
imagined. 

Arthur. Haven't you guessed the truth before this? 
(Glancing around before speaking) I'm not married! 

Dorothy. Not married! You're a widower? 

Arthur. Luckier than that. A bachelor. 

Dorothy. Then your wife 

Arthur. Isn't my wife at all. 

Dorothy. Why, Arthur 

Arthur. She belongs to Harry Brown. I just borrowed 
her. 

Dorothy (coming to him). Whatever does it all mean? 
Are you telling the truth? (Sits on sofa.) 

Arthur. Oh, I had to do it, Dorothy, to keep the wolf 
from the door. Your father seemed to want me married and 
I 

Dorothy. But, Arthur; what of that baby? 

Arthur (lightly). Also borrowed. Property of Harry 
Brown. Oh, Harry's a lucky chap — and a good fellow be- 
sides. When I learned of your father's coming — he will- 
ingly came to my rescue. 

Dorothy. I don't think it was nice to deceive dad that 
way. 

Arthur. Neither do I — but honestly, can you blame me? 

Dorothy. , Dad will never forgive you for the deception. 

Arthur. I don't care so long as you do. 

ENTER Chilton d. r. 3. 

Chilton (espying Arthur, starts. Aside). So! So! I'm 
just in time! 

Arthur. Surely you're not going to marry that Chilton 
fellow? 



40 Too Many Husbands. 

Dorothy {looking down). Dad's mind is set on it. 

Arthur. And what's to become of me? Have you for- 
gotten your promise of long ago 'I 

Dorothy. Those surely were our happy days. 

Arthur. You promised to wait for me. 

Dorothy. Yes — but not forever. When I heard you were 
married 

Arthur. Don't forget you didn't hear of it until after 
I'd heard of yovir engagement to this Chilton chap. I 
thought it all over then — and I did the next best thing. 

Dorothy. I don't really care for Chauncey — that's why 
the wedding has been so long deferred. 

Arthur. By Jove, Dorothy — do yovi know, I believe fate 
has been kinder to us than we dreamed. What do you say, 
to our- becoming married 

Chilton {stepping down R.). Stop where you are! 
(Arthur and Dorothy hoth rise confusedly. Crossing to 
Arthur) You, sir, shall answer to me for this. {Then to 
Dorothy) And as for you, Madam. (Dorothy turns on 
her heel and giving him a contemptuous look, haughtily 
EXITS D. R. 1.) 

Chilton {dramatically handing Arthur card). My card, 
sir. The Colonel asked me to act as your second in a 
certain duel — but the scene I just witnessed makes me one of 
the principals in another. What is it to be — ^swords or 
pistols ? 

Arthur. Hold on, old man, you're rushing things. 

Chilton {stamping foot). Swords or pistols? 

Arthur. Well, since you look at it that way — hoth! 

[EXIT D. L. 1. 

Chilton {sinking on sofa). Beaten! beaten! unless the 
Colonel arranges for an immediate marriage. And after 
working all these years! {Up) I'll have a talk with the old 
man at once. {Starts for d. r. 3.) 

ENTER D. c, Mrs. Sheffield with several letters in her 

hand. 

Mrs. Sheffield {to Chilton). Just a moment, sir. 

Chilton {halts). Well, Madam. 

Mrs. Sheffield. I want to hand you this. 

Chilton {taking letter). What is it? 

Mrs. Sheffield. A notice to leave, sir — and at once. 
I'm giving them to all the lodgers. From henceforth, this is 
no longer a boarding house. 



Too Many Husbands. _, 41 

Chilton {tearing notice into pieces and casting them on 
■floor). That shows what I think of your notice! 

[EXIT D. R. 3. 

Mrs. Sheffield (shouting after him). Very well; then 
I'll get a lawyer and have you put out! 

ENTER D. L. 3, Harry in coat-sleeves, wearing an apron 
around his waist and carrying a towel and plate in his 
hands. Sits on sofa with a sigh. 

Harry. What is home with a mother-in-law ! 

Mrs. Sheffield (down c. Confronting him). I'll show 
you in about three minutes! 

Harry (rises confusedly and begins to hurriedly wipe 
plate). Oh, lor'. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Did you finish wiping those dishes as I 
told you to? 

Harry. I was just on the last lap when 

Mrs. Sheffield (sternly). Then go back to the kitchen. 
You brute, to expect your poor little wife to do the work for 
this entire household. 

Harry (at d. l. 3.). Now see here, I object to 

Mrs. Sheffield (stamping foot). Silence! Not a word! 
To the kitchen! Do you hear? 

Harry. Yes, ma'am — I hear all right. 

[EXIT meekly d. l. 3. 

Mrs. Sheffield (loohing after him). Milly's spoiled that 
man. In a week's time, I hope to make him an ideal hus- 
band. [EXIT d. l. 3. 

ENTER D. r. 3, Colonel excitedly, followed by Chilton. 

Colonel. Impossible, impossible, I can't believe my 
daughter would do such a thing. 

Chilton. I tell you I saw the whole thing with my own 
eyes. I immediately challenged the fellow to a duel. 

Colonel. You should have killed him on the spot. What 
a villain ! I cast him off ! He is no longer a nephew of 
mine. I'm through with him forever. I now don't blame 
his wife for flirting with another. 

Chilton. And you were saying. Colonel, when we 

Colonel. Ah, yes. You'd better arrange for an im- 
mediate wedding. Hunt up a parson. I'll fetch Dorothy 
around. The sooner this thing is over — the better. Don't 
[waste a second. Hurry, hurry. 



42 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Chilton (warmly shaking Colonel's hand). ThanK you. 
Colonel. You've given me renewed courage. 

[EXIT D. c. going r. 

Colonel. It will serve the boy right if Chilton forces him 
into a deadly combat. 

ENTER D. L. 3, Mrs. Sheffield holding note toward 
Colonel. 

Mrs. Sheffield. For you, sir. 
^Colonel (taking note). Why, what? 

Mrs. Sheffield. It's a notice to quit, sir — and at once. 

Colonel (puzzled). Quit? 

Mrs. Sheffield. Vamoose — leave the house — (Close to 
him) get out! 

Colonel (indignant). I like that. So it comes from him, 
does it? 

Mrs. Sheffield. From the owner of the house. He told 
me to hand it to you. 

Colonel. And he is handing it to me in many ways. 
(Over to D. R. 1.) Very well. Madam. We'll get out. But 
you can tell him one thing. I know all about his love- 
making to my Dorothy a while ago! [EXIT d. r. 1. 

Mrs. Sheffield (astounded). Now I know Harry's reason 
for leaving the dishes and sneaking up here. It was to meet 
this Dorothy! Love-making, eh? Well he'll not repeat the 
performance after I'm through with him. (Begins to roll up 
sleeves and angrily starts to EXIT L. 3.) 

ENTER Bauer furiously d. c. with a letter in his hand. 

Bauer. A challenge, eh? To fight a duel to der death! 
(To Mrs. Sheffield) Perhaps, madam, you can tell me 
who wrote me dot? 

Mrs. Sheffield (handing him a note). I can tell you who 
wrote this one. 

Bauer (puzzled). Another? (Looking at note) Vat is3 
it? 

Mrs. Sheffield. A notice to vacate at once. 

Bauer. Vass iss dot — vacate? I have paid two weeks* 
board only dis morning, in advance. 

Mrs. Sheffield. That makes no difference to me. 

Bauer. Veil it makes one to me. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Your room is preferred to your com- 
pany. The order is imperative. Either get out or be put 
out'! [EXIT d. L. 3. 



Too Many Husbands. 43 

Bauer. So dot iss it, eh ? Veil if I go — something goes 
mit me, you bet on it. Silver-ware, cut-glasses, anything 
I get me my hands on. (Lookitig at note) But who could 
have sent me dot challenge? Dot's a clue! I work it for 
all it is worth. Maybe it is der missing link. (Suddenly) 
Ah, now I hear footsteps approaching. {Gets behind screen) 
Maybe it is him! 

ENTER Chilton hreathlessly d. c. 

Chilton. I did that in jig time. I'm dreadfully nervous. 
Once we're married, I'll persuade the Colonel to return to 
England. (Down c.) 

Bauer (out from hehind screen, cautiously down to 
Chilton. Suddenly confronting him). Oscuse me blease, 
but you don't know me, vat? 

Chilton (starts guiltily). I've never had the pleasure of 
an introduction. 

Bauer. Veil / know you. If you don't mind, let me take 
a look at your left wrist. 

Chilton (alarmed). You must be mad! I won't listen 
to you! (Calls aloud) Help! Help! (Moves around 
table.) 

Bauer (folloios after him). Don't be afraid. It only 
takes a second. Shust one glance at your wrist — dot iss all. 

Chilton (wildly). Help! Help. 

ENTER Colonel d. r., with an old sword in one hand, a 
large old fashioned revolver in the other. 

Colonel. What is it? 

Chilton (nervously referring to Bauer). This fellow's 
suddenly gone mad! 

Bauer. Not a bit of it. I only want to see if he's got a 
cross tattooed on his left wrist. 

Colonel. Ridiculous ! 

Chilton. What did I tell you? (Quickly moves over to 
r. of stage behind table.) 

Colonel. A hopeless case. (Approaching Bauer) Come, 
sir. We'll take you to your friends. (Brandishes sword 
and revolver.) 

Bauer (business). Ober please I don't want to go to my 
friends. Please be more careful mit dose executioners. 
(Chilton suddenly scrambles under table.) 

Colonel (forcing Bauer, against d. r. 3.). Go into that 
room or I fire, 



44 'I^oo Many Husbands. 

Bauer. But, sir, you don't know who I am. 

Colonel. Neither do I care. {Firmly) Into that room! 

Bauer. You are making a mistake. If you will only help 
me I give you half of der twenty thousand dollars! 

Colonel (firmly). Into that room! And quick about it I 

Bauer (despairingly). Too late! Too late! 

[EXIT D. r. 3. 

Colonel (quickly to d. r. 3, loching it). A hopeless case! 
Now for the authorities ! 

ENTER Harry d. l. 3, followed hy Mrs. Sheffield. 

Harry. I won't stand this any longer. (Espying 
Colonel) Ah, there he is. Did you tell this lady I was 
making love to your daughter? 

Colonel (weapons behind his hach). I never said any- 
thing of the sort, sir. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Never said anything of the sort? 
(Advancing upon him threateningly) Do you mean to infer 
that I 

Colonel (producing weapons). Hold on — hold on! 
(Brandishes them.) 

Mrs. Sheffield (gives a scream and hurriedly over in 
front of d. r. 3.) Help, help! 

Harry (excitedly). He's mad! 

Colonel (referring to Bauer in room). The worst case I 
ever saw. Wanted me to help find the tattooed mark. 
(Harry and Mrs. Sheffield hoth exchange signals, denoting 
Colonel is mentally tvrong.) 

Colonel (watching them). They've got it too. It's con- 
tagious! Everybody's got it! (Cautiously over to hell rope 
near d. c.) Why, oh why didn't Arthur notify us he con- 
ducted a sanitarium! (Pulls hell-cord. Then to Harry) 
Don't you move! Don't you move! 

Mrs. Sheffield (leaning against d. r. 3). Help! Help! 

Colonel. Nor you either. (Brandishing weapons.) 

ENTER Mollis d. c. 

MoLLiE. Did you ring, sir? (Then espying Colonel 
with iveapons. gives a cry and starts for door.) 

Colonel (in commanding tone). Stand where you are. 
Yovi shan't desert me in that fashion. Summon the police! 

Mrs. Sheffield. ) ^^ . ,. , 

Harey. jYes, the police! 



4 



Too Many Husbands. 45 

Colonel. And at once! 

MoLLiE (quickly off— calling). Police! Police! Police! 

Colonel. Where can Dorothy be? {Then aloud) Chil- 
ton! Chilton! Where are you? 

Chilton (hohhing head from under table). I'm here, sir — 
at your service ! 

Colonel. We'll be out of this in a moment. 

Harry. If the police will only arrive. 

Bauer (off r. 3). Let me out! Let me out! (All give 
a start.) 

Colonel (wildly brandishing weapons). Be calm every- 
body! be calm! You are safe in my hands! 

ENTEK O'Flynn d. c. 

O'Flynn. What's this disturbance? I could hear ye a 
block away! 

Colonel (brandishing weapons). I've had the time of my 
life, officer. Do your duty ! Better take them all in charge ! 

O'Flynn. You don't look any too healthy yourself. 
(Seizes Colonel by lapel of coat.) 

Mrs. Sheffleld. That's it, officer. You came just in 
time. 

Harry (waving hands). Away with him! 

Colonel. But, officer, I protest. I'm not the one. The 
man you want is in that room. His specialty is crosses and 
things. 

O'Flynn (dragging Colonel to d. c). You've got a few 
specialties of your own. Now don't make any trouble. 

Colonel. This is outrageous. I'll appeal to the English 
Consul! 

O'Flynn (endeavoring to quiet him). That's all right, 
me friend. You can go as far as you like. Only be 
sensible now and come along quietly. (Drags Colonel off 
c, going R., the Colonel continuing his protestations until 
they die out in the distance.) 

Mrs. Sheffield (gives a moan). Thank goodness, its 
over — (Faints in Harry's arms.) 

Harry. More trouble — more trouble ! 

ENTER Arthur d. l. 3. 

Arthur. What's all the noise? (Then espying Harry) 
^What's happened? (Tal-es handJcerchief from pochet and 
begins to fan Mrs. Sheffield.) 



46 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Harry {struggling with Mrs. Sheffield). It's all your 
fault! You're the cause for everything! 

ENTER MiLLY D. L. 3. 

MiLLY. I heard a terrible racket up here! {Then espying 
Mrs. Sheffield) Mother! Mother! {Over to her) What 
is it? 

Harry. Just fainted — that's all. Help me get her into 
the other room. 

MiLLY (taJeing Mrs. Sheffield by l. arm). Poor, poor, 
mama. (Assists Harry to D. L. 3, ivith her.) 

Arthur (who has shown great concern). Anything I can 
do, old man? 

Harry. Yes — clear out! and take your family with you! 
We were happy until your uncle arrived! 

[EXIT Mrs. Sheffield, Milly and Harry d. l. 3. 

Arthur (puzzled). I don't quite get the drift of things. 
What new complication can have arisen? 

Chilton (hohhing head from under table). I can tell you. 

Arthur (espying him). You? What in the world are 
you doing under that table. 

Chilton. It's a long story. (Offering left hand) Here, 
lend a hand. I'm so stiff I 

Arthur. Certainly. (Quickly tal-es his hand, then sud- 
denly looking at wrist, starts) Hello, old man. That's a 
queer looking mark on your wrist. 

Chilton (quicMy withdrawing hand, and up). Yes, 
rather — had it tattooed when a boy. (Then changing sub- 
ject) But you've got to do something to save your uncle. 
He's been arrested. 

Arthur, Arrested? 

Chilton. Yes — by mistake. 

Arthur (sinking on sofa). Arrested, eh? (Laughing 
heartily) That is a good joke. 

Chilton (angrily). So that's it, eh? Well, your uncle 
can be glad he's at least got one friend to help him out of 
his difficulty. And just remember, we've a duel to fight. 
(At door c.) I'm off to the police station. 

[EXIT d. c. going R. 

Arthur. I believe he's as afraid of that duel as I am. 
(Then up to R. c.) Uncle arrested, eh? Well that is a lark. 
(Then becoming serious) But, Dorothy! I wonder does 
she know? (Crash off R. 3) Hello! (Another crash\ 
There it goes again! .• 



Too Many Husbands. 47 

ENTER Baler hurriedly D. R. 3. 

Bauer. He's gone! 

Arthur (gives a start). The German inventor again! 

Bauer (over to d. c). But he don't fool me dis time. 
I got him good und blenty. To der police station, eh? 
Well dot's der blace for me. [EXIT D. c, going R. 

Arthur. I see it all now, uncle must have been mis- 
taken for our friend with the black cross mania (Suddenly) 
And that reminds me. Chilton had a cross on his wrist! 
Can it be possible there is something in it after all? 

ENTER Dorothy d. r. 1. 

Dorothy. Arthur! Arthur! I'm so glad you weren't 
killed! 

Arthur. Killed ? 

Dorothy. Dad threatened all manner of vengeance on 
your head before he left the house. 

Arthur. Oh, he did — did he? 

Dorothy. And when I heard that awful noise I thought 
he was keeping his vow. He also insists that I marry Mr. 
Chilton immediately. Where is dad, now? 

Arthur. Your father? (Hesitatingly) Your father left 
the house only a moment ago. 

Dorothy. For the parson ! That's it! And will probably 
return immediately. 

Arthur. And prohaMy not. The one thing left for us 
to do — is get married. 

Dorothy. If only we dared. 

Arthur I'd dare anything ju.st now. (Bell rings helow) 
Too late — it's your father! (Glances off D. c.) No — it's 
someone else. (Suddenly) Who do you suppose? 

Dorothy. I can't imagine! 

Arthur (down to her). Of all persons — a parson. 

Dorothy. A parson? 

ENTER Ormsby d. c. 

Arthur (with a sweeping how). Welcome to our city. 

Ormsby. A gentleman called at my residence a short 
while ago, paid in advance and stated that a young couple 
desired to be married. 

Arthur (quicldy). We do. 

Dorothy (aside to Arthur). But Arthur 



48 ^00 Many Husbands. 

Arthur (nudges her. Aside). Don't say a word. 
Chilton's even paid the marriage fee. 

Dorothy (puzzled). I don't understand! 

Ormsby. I am called out of the city, so that if you can 
conveniently 

Arthur (quickly). We won't keep you waiting a minute. 
(To D. L. 3, calling oif) Harry, oh, Harry! 

ENTER Harry d. l. 3. 

Arthur. Dorothy and I are going to be married and we 
want you to stand up for us. Will you do it? 

Harry. You dare ask that after getting me into such hot 
water ? 

Arthur. It'll soon cool off. (Nudging him in side) 
Go on — be a good fellow. Remember I did as much for you 
one time. 

Harry (sadly). And for the last time. It's a go. But 
only on condition you square me with my mother-in-law. 

Arthur. It's a bargain. (To Ormsby) Parson, lead the 
way. (Begins humming sf rains of the wedding march. 
Ormsby pompously off l., followed hy Harry, then Arthur 
offering his arm to Dorothy and continuing to hum the wed- 
ding march, EXITS n. L. with her.) 

Chilton (breathlessly on from c). Thank goodness, they 
let the Colonel go after he'd shown his papers. Now for 
Dorothy! (At D. R. 1, calling aloud) Dorothy! Dorothy! 
(Then after pause) She must be in the front room. 

[EXIT D. R. 1. 

Colonel (limps slowly on d. c, from R. his coat torn, his 
hair disheveled and his eyes blackened). Oh, what a day 
this has been ! I haven't seen so much excitement since my 
service in India. 

Chilton (on excitedly from d. r. 1). Dorothy's not in her 
room. 

Colonel (surprised). Eh? What? Are you sure? The 
maid told me the parson had arrived. Perhaps she learned 
of my predicament and has hurried to the police station. 
Quick ! after her — and bring her back ! 

Chilton. I'll not delay ! [EXIT c. d. going r. 

Colonel. Meanwhile I'll pack our grips. Chilton is 
right. America is too swift a place for us. At the rate 
we've been going — I shouldn't last a week. We'll return 
on to-morrow's boat. A month at Monte Carlo will, I hope, 
restore my shattered nerves. [EXIT d. r. 1, 



Too Many Husbands. 49 

ENTER MoLLiE D. c, with telegram. Calling aloud. 
MoLLiE. Oh, Mr. Maitland — Mr. Maitland! 
ENTER Arthur quickly d. l. 1. 

Arthur. What is it? One could hear you all over the 
house. 

MoLLiE (handing him telegram). For you, sir. 

Arthur. A telegram? For me? You interrupted me 
just as the parson was about to — (Has opened telegram. 
Gives a start) Great Scott! My book accepted! (Joy f idly 
kisses Mollie) Mollie, you're good luck! 

MoLLiE (confusedly). Oh, lor', sir, what would Mike 
O'Flynn say! 

Arthur (excitedly). Accepted! By Jove, I don't need 
uncle's help now. (At D. h. 1. Aloud) Dorothy! Dorothy! 
Listen to this ! [EXIT quickly D. L. 1. 

ENTER Bauer breathlessly d. c. 

Bauer. I missed my man; but I git him yet. Der clue 
don't lie. I am nearer und nearer to der reward. 
(Glances off c.) S-h. Someone is coming. (Behind screen.) 

ENTER Mrs. Sheffield with haly. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Milly ! Milly ! where are you ? 

ENTER Colonel d. r. 1. 

Colonel. Ah, Madam! I'll trouble you for that child. 
(Places grips, etc., on floor.) 

Mrs. Sheffield (draiving away). Are you back again? 
When did you get out? (Moves over and around table.) 

Colonel. Because the police believed my story. I am 
Colonel Thaddeus Crane, Madam, Arthur's uncle — but I am 
through with him forever. I am leaving this hovise at once! 

Mrs. Sheffield. Thank goodness! 

Colonel. But taking the child with me. 

Mrs. Sheffield (aside). He's got a different hallu- 
cination this time. 

Colonel (attempts to seize baby). So, Madam, you'd 
better give her up to me. 

Mrs. Sheffield (moving to l.). Help! Help! 



50 ^oo Many Husbands. 

Colonel (angrily). Come, Madam — come! 
Mrs, Sheffield (wildly). Help! Help! 

ENTER Arthur suddenly d. l. 1. 

Arthur. Uncle, what does this mean? 

Colonel. That I demand the custody of your child! 

Mrs. Sheffield. His child? 

Colonel. From what I've seen of this household it is not 
the proper environment for the little innocent. 

Mrs. Sheffield. Is that so? Well then why didn't you 
leave long ago? 

Arthur (to Colonel). Better be careful, uncle. 

Mrs. Sheffield (looking at Arthur). Uncle, uncle? Is 
he really you?- uncle? 

Arthur. He is, madam. 

Colonel. And that baby is 

Mrs. Sheffield. None of your business. 

Coho^Eh (staggered. To Arthur). Isn't this baby your — 

Arthur (interrupting). No sir, it isn't! 

Colonel (furious). Ah, then the story of your marriage? 

Arthur. "Was true. 

ENTER Chilton wildly d. c. 

Chilton. She wasn't there, Colonel — not there. 
Colonel. This is a nice trick. 

ENTER Dorothy d. l. 1, followed hy Ormsby, Harry, and 

MiLLY. 

Colonel (espying her). Ah, Dorothy — there you are. 
(To Ormsby) Quick, Parson, I want you to marry my 
daughter to 

Dorothy (nervously). Please dad — I am already married. 

Colonel (staggered). Married? To whom? 

Arthur. To me, sir. 

Colonel. To you! Then your other wife? 

Harry (placing arm about Milly). Was never his wife 
at all! 

Colonel. Deception on every side. (To Chilton) My 
poor boy. (Then to Dorothy) Well, Dorothy, you have 
gone against my wishes, married a disreputable fellow when 
I had chosen for you 

Bauer (has come from behind screen and down to Chilton 
and tapped him on shoulder). A scoundrel und a dief ! 



Too Many Husbands. 51 

Colonel (starts). What — you again? 

Bauer. Yes, me. Und I have caught Jim Sweeney at 
last! (Displays police badge.) 

Colonel (starting). A detective, eh? (Then changing 
tone) But, my dear fellow, this is my secretary, Chauncey 
Chilton. 

Bauer. Dot's only one of his names ! (Holding Chilto'h's 
left wrist to view) See, der tattooed cross? 

All. The tattooed cross! 

Bauer. Dot proves everyding. I been on his track fer 
many years, und now der reward is mine. 

Arthur (to Dorothy). And I had it right in my hands, 
all the time. 

Chilton (looking down). I guess the jig's up. I played 
my game and lost. 

Colonel (surprised). Why, you don't mean to say 

Chilton (nodding slowly in affirmative). He's got me 
right, Colonel. I knew this American trip would prove my 
undoing. 

Bauer (talcing handcuffs from pocfcet). Come along, 
sonny. 

Chilton (at d. c). So long, Colonel — good-bye every- 
body. 

Bauer (to others). LTnd I tried so hard to give somebody 
half of der reward. It only goes to show, you can never 
judge a man by his face. (To Chilton, forcing off c.) 
Come on — no monkey bizness now. On your way! 

[EXIT c. D. going r. 

Harry (who has been lool-ing at newspaper clipping). If 
only I'd kept on comparing faces ! 

Dorothy (to Colonel, wfio fias fallen on cliair r. of table). 
You're not angry, dad. 

Colonel (rising, slieepishly) . Dorothy, I realize that I'm 
an old fool. 

Arthur (handing Colonel telegram). Take a look at 
this. Colonel! 

Colonel (glances at telegram). By Jove, you do know 
something after all. Well I misjudged you all along. 
(Referring to Dorothy) Take her my boy — take her. 

Arthur (his arm about Dorothy). You're just a trifle 
late, Colonel, — I've already got her. 

picture. 

QUICK CUBTAIN. 



MY UNCLE FROM INDIA 

Adapted from the Qerman 

A Farcical-Comedy in Four Acts, by Harold Sandei 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

This play is adapted from the same German work on which "The 
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Richard Marsland Walking Gentlemaa 

James McDonald, lately from India Character 

Lothair McDonald, blessed with a fertile imagination Lead 

Harry Marsland, his intimate friend, a man about town. Walking Gentleman 

Robert Squeezemdown, a victim of circumstances Character 

Ignatius Gibson, a fashionable tailor and victim of prejudice. .. .Character 

Mr" Woodford I" Guests at Marsland's Country House. .Walking Gentlemen 

John, Marsland's butler Utility 

Trip, bill collector Utility 

Two Constables. 

A District Messenger Utility 

Edith Marsland, Marsland's daughter .Lead 

Eva Webster, her cousin Walking Lady 

Mrs. Dixon, Lothair's Landlady Old Woman 

Miss Sarah Smith, fond of mystery Character 

By doubling, the characters can be reduced to 9 males and 3 females. 

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A Rural Drama in Three Acts, by Anthony E. WiUs 

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Seth Cooley Character 



Joshua Merrick Old Man 

Judge TROWBRiDCE Character 

Francis Trowbridge Lead 

Stephen Hale Heavy 

Peter Payson Character 

P. Roger Hunnewell. .. .Character 



Nixon Utilfly 

Mrs. Mary Merrick... Old Woman 

Ruth Merrick Lead 

Effie Merrick Ingenue 

Kittie Sickles Character 



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